TMNT - Reality Check - Chapter 4 - Solitude

I awoke the next morning later than usual. Only going bed at almost 4 in the morning, my usual 7 AM wake up just was not going to happen. Leo found me in the lab around 10, and of course lectured me on the importance of a decent sleep schedule and how I shouldn't be working on my inventions in the dead of night. Yeah, tell that to Raph. I wanted so badly to blurt that out. But of course that would only get me into more trouble.

The lecture went on for a good long while. I had even no time to explain that I hadn't even touched a project that night before Leo abruptly left for breakfast. I went in, and upon seeing Raph at the table, decided to take mine to go...back to the lab of course. I heard my brother's joking around in the kitchen while I sat behind my desk and ate quietly, alone with my thoughts, and the laughter that filled the air.

After breakfast, we trained, as usual. However, Leo for whatever reason decided to pair up with me. So the only difference was I had my butt beat by a pair of katanas and not a pair of sai. Not much difference there. And after training, I immediately retreated to my lab. And in the lab I stayed. Actually, that was the routine for the next few weeks. I'd go up with them for patrol, I'd train with them, and that's about all I saw of my brothers. Of course they were getting suspicious, all coming to visit me in the lab, well two of them. Seeing what it was I was spending so much time on. Honestly, nothing. I've been doing more thinking than actually inventing. And my thoughts weren't about inventions either, which is odd for me. But of course I had to come up with some stuff to show them when they came in unannounced. So I whipped up a few simple gadgets that look complex enough to make it seem like they were a lot of work, when in reality it was just a bit of wire switching.

They were all worried about me, and it's kinda crazy, but I was worried about me too. I worried that knowing about Raph's true feelings messed me up inside. Maybe I was better off not knowing. I never should have snuck into his room. I feel like I've torn my family apart. For weeks I was locked away in my lab, until finally, my greatest fear came true.

Raph entered my lab sheepishly, closing the steel door behind him, and the garage door too. “Donnie, why are you avoiding me?” He asked. His voice dripped with sorrow and even a hint of  abandonment.

I tried not to look up, because I knew if I saw him, that feeling would come back. And I would get weak to my knees and probably collapse. “I'm not avoiding you.” I replied, with much less emotion than he showed me.

“You haven't spoken to me in weeks.” He seemed to be on the brink of tears, but a quick glimpse at his expression told me otherwise, he was on the brink of rage.

“I'm speaking to you now, aren't I.” I sighed out. I didn't want to be so crude to him.

“Is this about the whole pinning you to the wall thing like a month ago, because I'm really sorry about that.” I wasn't sure if I should have believed him or not.

“It's not about that, Raph.” Even the mention of his name turned my stomach. “I'm just really busy. I've got a lot of...stuff...to build. For the team, you know.” I half smiled for a split second.

“That's a load of shit!” Raph replied. “You haven't come up with anything, except a modified toaster and a glorified helmet.” Apparently he has seen through my ruse. “Tell me for real what's going on.”

I sighed, “Raph,” I looked up at him, swallowing what little pride and dignity I had left, preparing myself for the worst when I confessed. I awkwardly scratched the back of my head and pulled at the ends of my mask. Maybe distraction would make it easier. “I know...everything.”

“What do you mean everything?” He looked confused, clearly he had been blown off track.

“I kinda snuck into your room one night, while you and the guys were out on a patrol. And I saw the desk, and everything on it.” I loosened my muscles, prepared to reach back for my bo if he were to strike me.

Raph's moods were changing like channels. In seconds his face turned to rage, to embarrassment, to sadness, to confusion, and back to rage again. Though he never did move for his sai, I could tell he was about to attack me, I quickly held my bo on the defensive.

“So you know everything then...” Raph replied, his rage sinking. He looked mortified, probably hoping no one would ever find out.

I dropped my staff, “I'm sorry. But after you attacked me, I was constantly curious about what you were hiding. Believe me, if I could go back, I wouldn't do it again.” I quickly explained. Honestly, I never would do it again.

“I'm guessing, since you've been avoiding me, you don't actually feel the same way, huh?” He asked, a tiny sparkle of hope gleaming in his eye...or was the just the onset of tears.

I could feel myself blushing. That was a question I myself couldn't even answer to myself. I'd been asking myself the same question for weeks now. “I wouldn't go that far. I guess you could just say I'm afraid. I've always been a little afraid of you.” I admitted.

“So you do feel the same way?” He asked hopefully, some might even say cheerfully. Apparently he overlooked the whole “afraid of you” part.

“I want to. But I don't know if we could make it work. You and I have always been rivals. More so than you and Leo at times. How can think we'd make an okay pair.” I argued. Passively, of course, as any bit of anger from my side could throw him into rage mode.

“I'm willing to give it a shot. We can run off together. Just you and me. No one to hold us back or judge us. Just Donatello and Raphael alone together.” He offered, and oddly enough, the offer tempted me to the point where I accepted.