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September 19, 2013
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One second, everything is fine. You smile like it's nobody's business, but on the inside, you are rotting. Decaying. Nothing is fun anymore, and all you can do is smile. No one needs to know what's going on inside. No one cares. There is nothing anymore. There is only the hatred. The lurking feeling that you will never be loved. Nothing you have ever wished for will come true. The realization that you will die without a family, without a career, without a joy in the world. Only pain. Only darkness. Only decay.

There is only so much you can take. Only so much gossip. Only so many rumors. Only so many lies before you snap. You hate everything, even though you don't want to. Even though you know that life will someday be worth living. Someday, things will get better. But you can't wait that long.

The voices say "kill yourself" "you're worthless" "you don't deserve to be here" "you're stupid" "no one has ever loved you" "you are a disgrace" forever and forever you are reminded that you are not special. You are not interesting. You are not worth the trouble. You are trouble. You are a burden to everyone. Everyone thinks life would be better if you aren't around.

What can you do but think about it. Hold the knife in your hand. Press it to your throat. Grip it tight and pull it away again after a thin line of blood starts to drip. Something tells you to stop because you know it's wrong. You know there is no going back. But who wants to. Who wants to return to the life where you are not a person. You are a collection of hurtful names. There is nothing you can do to change it. You are who you are and there is nothing you can do to change that.

But you will never be accepted. You will never be appreciated. You will never be understood. When everyone finds out what you've done, they will look at you. They all think you should have done it. Pressed a little harder. There is no thought that they had gone to far. No thought that maybe you will do it.

You will do it. There is only so much you can take. When you cry because you know that all of this is true, you find nothing to live for. Death is the only outcome that you think will work. When you're dead, you don't have to listen to people. The horrible things they say to you. The names they call you. The tricks they play on you. They don't want to go to prom with you. But you smile when they ask because you think things get better. It's all a trick. A hoax to make you look like a whore. Like a slut. Like a piece of garbage.

You are garbage. You are a slut. You are a whore. When so many people think so, how can you say anything otherwise. Nothing you ever do will nullify people's opinions. People are cruel. People are evil. No. You are evil. You are a stain on society, and you need to be removed.

Remove yourself. Wipe yourself off the map. No one will cry because no one cares. No one has ever loved you. No one will ever love you. You are nothing.
I'm in a dark place right now. Surrounded by the darkness, the cold. School sucks because I found out I'm the target of countless acts of bullying. And at home, everything sucks more because my parents are at it again. I just want it to all be over.

I think that writing this helped. Maybe for a little while. Until it all starts over again.
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:iconblackcatmd:
I know how it feels, sadly.


No one should have to go through that kinda stuff
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:iconririmania1335:
ririmania1335 Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm sorry you know the feeling. I wouldn't wish on my worst of enemies. 
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:iconkmiller104864:

Oh baby, I know it hurts. I went through high school like that too. It only got worse when one day I almost ended it all. I was lucky enough to have a friend who saw the signs and stepped in. I'm 24 now and I still deal with the hurt and pain today. It doesn't go away completely, but it does get better. I promise. Never give up on yourself, you don't know what you really mean to people until you are gone. People will miss you. Your family and your DA family. I'm going to therapy for my problems now, not saying you should, but there are so many options out there that can help you.

 

You will always have my support and you can always talk to me about anything if you ever need an ear. n_n

Talking or even venting helps so much. I wish I could help out more, but I don't know what else to do.

 

-Katie

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:iconririmania1335:
ririmania1335 Oct 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You are such a good friend and I will never forget that. So many people on here care about me, more than I thought did. It's actually pretty amazing. I do not wish to go to therapy for my own personal reasons, but talking about it to people like you, my dA family, has become a great alternative. I don't know though. I used to be able to think about my future and see a happy woman, with a spouse, and maybe a couple kids. With a steady job and a bunch of great friends. Now when I think about my future, I only see darkness... It will take much getting used to. 
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:iconkmiller104864:

Maybe you only see the darkness in front of you because you are only focusing on the bad that is in front of you.

 

Sometimes people can be a light for others. I believe everyone holds some sort of candle and there are other people in front of them with candles. Maybe you can't see any light in front of you, because you are ahead of everyone else with your candle, it could be low flicker, but it is not completely out. You could be leading other people to follow the glow of your candle. I don't know if that makes any sense to you. But sometimes I feel that way.

There being a lot of darkness in front of me and I can't see 5 feet ahead, but if I look back I can see these little lights that are following me and I know that I am leading others along my journey. Whether or not they continue to follow me is their choice, but with me in the lead, I am going to do my best to keep my head held high and follow heart.

 

I know it might not make any sense, but I don't want you to give up. You're too much of a sweet girl for this world to lose.

 

You are a light source for someone. You may not know who it is, or if there are more that are watching your lead, but they are there. It took me almost committing suicide to realize that myself.

 

I wish I knew how to help you more. All I can do is be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. n_n

 

-Katie

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:iconmcrtime:
Hello.
Well, i know this will be weird or that you don't really care about what a stranger tells you but well I'll say it anyway.
I understand that. I've been trough that. I know how it feels not to be accepted. I've heard those voices. I've feel worthless. I've feel stupid. I've felt all those things.
I can't tell you "everything will be ok" because I know how it feels when you feel like shit and someone tells you that. But, I can tell you that you have to not to listen to the people. Because all they want to do is hurt you. Rip you apart.
Don't listen to their shit. Don't believe what they say. Not just because "so many people think so" it's true. You are the only one who can say who you are. Not them.
I would've liked that someone would have been there. When I've needed them. But that didn't happen. And that is why I'm doing this. Because I want to help you. I want you o know that you are not alone. I want you o know that even if I don't know you, even if we never get to know each other personally I'll be here for you. Just because no one was there for me. I want you to know that you are loved even if you are a stranger. I want you to know that world is not better of without you.
Keep believing. Not in no one but yourself.

Love, Skye.
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:iconririmania1335:
ririmania1335 Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks so much, Skye. I appreciate you as a person. I'm sorry that you know this feeling. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially not someone as sweet as you. I'd like to believe you are right, but I can't imagine feeling any better. My suicidal thoughts have calmed down, but they are still there. The voices are there and it seems that there is nothing I can do to make them go away. But I believe it is because of you and my other friends that I am still alive right now. I can never thank you, or even come close to repaying you for your kindness. I'll keep trying to live like myself, and as long as I have friends like you, I'll know there is someone who believes in me. :hug:
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:iconmcrtime:
You're welcome and thank you for thinking that. I really hope that you'll be ok because I wouldn't like something to happen to you. 

Thank you for believe that. And I'll be here for you ok? I believe in you.

Love Skye.
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:iconririmania1335:
ririmania1335 Oct 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I may take you up on that offer. Thank you so much for believing in me. It's nice to know that someone does. 

- Adrianna :heart:
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